Continued Empty Nights 2

Empty Nights 2 (Cont)

Chapter Four

Tomorrow is frozen underneath this water forever, somebody wake me up

(Danny’s POV)

I don’t know what’s going on and all I can feel is a huge amount of pain, both physically and emotionally. I don’t know where I am, I can’t see anything, it’s all black and I feel like I might be falling. I stop trying to fight to wake up and strain to hear, their voices are as if they’re under water but I can still make it out, I can still hear what they’re saying.

(Adiel’s POV)

I stand in the back of the room, my arms wrapped around my body and Spencer’s arm around my waist. I can’t imagine what Amiel must be thinking. I bite my lip, we’ve all been crying but Amiel’s been crying the most. I watch him, his hand tightly holding Danny’s and his head buried in the sheets, he looks so frail.

(Amiel’s POV)

Nothing. Blank. Emptiness. Paralyzing. Numb... that’s all I feel. I look at Danny’s broken and battered face, you can hardly tell it’s him. His mouth is so swollen that he wouldn’t be able to talk, even if he were awake; his eyes are a deep purple along with most of his face and he’s got a gash that runs from under his ear all the way down his jaw and to his chin where there must be at least thirty stitches. Not only is he in a coma but he broke his right leg in seven different places (femur too), shattered his right hand, broke his nose, and he has about a dozen major gashes all over him from where the sheet of glass from his window hit him. He had internal bleeding so they had to cut him open in his stomach so now he’s going to have a huge scar there and on his chest too cause he has a gash across his chest. I feel like I’m going to vomit. I can’t look at him like this, I can’t see him lying there helplessly.

"Danny..." I whisper. The doctor said that he probably can’t hear us but we’re welcome to try. So I sit here and I talk to him, but I stop because I can’t find the words. I knew something bad was going to happen. The voice whispers and I grip my stomach as the anxiety and pain seem to overtake my body. Nothing good ever lasts. I don’t deserve to be happy. Why is the universe out to get me? I shake my head, no more selfish talk, I’ll focus on Danny. I kiss his bloody and bruised hand (not the one in the cast, the other one) and get up. "Bye Danny..." I whisper, "I’ll be right back." I say and turn to the others. "What did the doctor say?"

Adiel clears his throat and comes closer, that stupid eyebrow frown firmly in place.

"He said that he might never wake up and that if he does, there’s a good chance that he’ll have a lot of brain damage." He says slowly, but it all sounds like gibberish to me.

"What...what does that mean? Brain damage?" I try to find my words but as Adiel is talking, everything around me is spinning.

"It means... he’ll..."

"Be a vegetable?" I ask, suddenly everything is in focus and I’m glaring at Adiel. I have to remind myself that he didn’t cause the accident, I don’t need to be angry with him.

"Yea..." He says gently, looking to the floor and then back at me. My mouth opens to say something but I have nothing to say. I sit back down and stare at Danny.

"The doctor said to give it about a week... and if he doesn’t wake up then... we should think of letting him go."

"Pull the plug?!" I shout staring at Adiel in horror, how could he even say that!? He looks down ashamed. "You want me to pull the plug on my husband!?"

"No, I don’t, I’m just telling you what the doctor said." He says slowly, looking at me softly. The image of this morning floods my mind, the image of how he took me into his arms and kissed me, the way he smelt, the way he tasted. Everything in my mind pauses and it’s as if it’s on a screen and I watch it, my own eyebrow frown firmly in place to keep me from crying. He tasted so sweet. I bite my lip and clear my throat, I’m done crying for now.

"I’m sorry..." I whisper and Adiel pulls me into his arms.

"It’s alright..." He whispers and kisses my neck gently. I was always the one to freak out more when someone died or got into an accident, always. I’ve always been the more emotional one, well, no, we’re both equally emotional, I’ve just always been the one to voice it before Adiel. I mean, after our parents died, Adiel went to school the very next day where as I couldn’t even get out of bed... then again, he did throw the electric pencil sharpener at that kid, started screaming and then cried. Or maybe that’s when Dean and Randy died? I rub my face, too much thinking, I need to focus on Danny, figure out how to help him wake up.

I pull away and yawn, rubbing the back of my neck.

"You should try and get some sleep..." Devon says gently looking over at me. I look at my watch and I’m shocked to see that it’s already seven. How can it already be seven?! We only got here a few minutes ago... or... ugh, oh well. I rub my arms and sigh, sitting down in the chair next to Danny. I trail my fingers over his hand and kiss it gently.

"I’m going to stay here tonight, k?" I say, looking up at them and they all nod.

"I will too." Adiel says nodding his head but I shake mine.

"No, you need to go home." I want alone time with him, I want to be able to tell him everything, how I knew there was something wrong, I need to tell him that I’m sorry.

Adiel waits a moment before agreeing and grabbing his jacket. He kisses the top of my forehead and hugs me tightly.

"I’ll come by in the morning, k?" I nod and he hugs me again then gently squeezes Danny’s hand. "See ya later tiger." He says to him, tears still in his eyes.

"Call us if anything changes." Spencer says gently, rubbing my back and I nod. Devon offers a sympathetic smile and squeezes my shoulder. Why is everyone so concerned about me? It should me laying in that bed, Danny doesn’t deserve this.

"K..." I look up at them and smile, ignoring the tears that escape my eyes and I can tell that Adiel is completely heartbroken. He doesn’t want to leave. "I’ll be ok." I say, attempting to reassure him. He nods and they all turn away, quietly walking out of the room.

Once they’re all gone, I let out a sigh and look over at Danny. He broke some ribs too, otherwise, I’d be lying in the bed with him. Maybe I will anyway... I sniff and lift up his forearm, kissing his hand and wrist as my tears run down his skin.

(Danny’s POV)

I’m here, and yet I am not here. I can hear their voices, I can hear them saying something about being in a coma, I can hear them talking about what they might have to do. I can hear Amiel crying next to me and I can feel his tears run down my hand, I can feel his lips desperately trailing across my flesh. I’m crying, or maybe I’m not, maybe I only think I am. In here, wherever here is, I’m sobbing, screaming, my arms and legs flying in all directions as I lay here, immobilized. I try and try to open my eyes but I can’t, it’s like someone glued them shut and I want to scream out, tell Amiel that it’s ok, that I am here that I’ll be ok but I can’t open my mouth. Why can’t I do this? Why aren’t my thoughts connecting to my body? I try and try to move my hand, desperate to give him a little sign that I’m still here. But if I can’t do this, am I not here? Will I be a vegetable forever? Will I forever be in coma? What if they do pull the plug? My heart starts racing and I can hear the monitor in the distance beeping, telling the nurses that my heart is going to fast and now I can hear Amiel screaming as people rush in and for a moment, everything goes blank and then I’m back again. Amiel by my side, kissing my hand again. I can smell him, he smells like perfection. For whatever reason, he always smells like the fresh, crisp air after it rains. You know that smell? It’s so rich, the soil, the grass, everything is so rich in the air and you can smell the water, the soil, the grass, the trees, that’s what Amiel always smells like. He tastes like honey too, I don’t know why, but he always tastes like honey. I blink away my tears, who knows if I’m actually blinking, and I sigh heavily. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so helpless before.

"Danny, if you can hear me... I love you... and I’m so sorry... please wake up Danny, please..."

I can hear Amiel in the background and I so desperately want to tell him that I am here, that I can hear him, that I love him too and that he doesn’t need to be sorry. The accident was my fault, that I’m not sleeping and I’m here! I scream as loud as I possibly can but nothing happens. I can’t hear anything except his quiet cries and the constant, steady beeping of the monitor.

Chapter Five

Being politically correct is so over-rated

(Adiel’s POV)

I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to feel, I don’t know what to say and I feel so useless, so helpless lying here next to Spencer. Neither of us are asleep, we’re both lying here in each other’s arms staring at the ceiling and I’m sure we’re both thinking the same thing. What if he dies? What will Amiel do? I close my eyes and hope that he’ll find the strength through this, I hope he’ll be able to ... find a way to live. I know Danny isn’t his only reason to live, but there’s something about finally letting someone into your heart after everyone around you has left you in some shape or another and having that person completely stripped from you that makes you not want to get out of bed the next day. I hold Spencer a little tighter and he tightens his grip on me as well. I’m so worried about Amiel I don’t know what to do. I close my eyes tightly and burry my face in Spencer’s chest.

"Adiel?" He whispers my name quietly and I look up at him.

"Mmm?"

"It’s going to be ok." He says gently, but I don’t know if he even believes that, I don’t think any of us can believe it at the moment. I guess all we can do is hope that’s going to be ok.

"I hope so..."

And with that, we both curl up next to each other even closer, tell each other that we love each other and then silently stare into the empty night feeling the distant chill of pain.

(Devon’s POV)

I can’t sleep. Nope, not one bit. I’m pacing back and forth in my room, exhausted and yet energized without reason. I stare out the window, a mumble of prayers coming out of my mouth and the desire to grab Amiel and pull him into my arms is so powerful I feel weak in the knees. I close my eyes tightly and grip my hair. What can I do? What is there to do? NOTHING! I nearly shout it I’m so frustrated. It’s only been one day and already I’m feeling like I need to fix it all. I mentally kick myself for being this way, always having to fix things. I did this with Spencer and Adiel too. I had to fix it so I did. I found out how Spencer really felt about Adiel, made sure he would still give his life for him, then I went to Buffalo. I went there, confronted Amiel and then Adiel and then, after a few months, Adiel came to New York and took Spencer home. It was probably not my place to go and do what I did, but I don’t regret it. Adiel and Spencer are the most amazing couple I have ever seen, I’ve never seen two people love each other more than they do. And Amiel and Danny share the same feelings and now, all I want to do, is fix it. I wish it could be me in that bed at least there wouldn’t be someone I loved with everything in me sobbing at my bed side praying to God that I’d wake up. With that thought, I’m distracted to remembering that I am alone. I am without a girlfriend, wife, boyfriend, husband, any kind of significant other I could possibly have. I sit down in front of my computer and open my book. Perhaps that’s why everyone in my novels ends up breaking up or never being with anyone. Arg! I smack myself across the face, get up and walk to the other side of my room. What can I do for Amiel? What can I do for Danny? What can I do for Spencer and Adiel? I try to think of something but all that comes to mind is nothing. There’s nothing I could ever do to ease the pain, to make it better, to offer any kind of support. I am just a friend, someone who lives in the same house and eats the same food, but I’m nothing special, I can’t take away someone’s pain. That is possibly the worst thing about living, watching someone you love be in pain. I crack my knuckles and sigh heavily, I wish so badly I could do something. I lay down in bed and pull my pants off, covering myself up to my shoulders with the blanket. The last things I see before I finally fall asleep are the numbers on my digital clock flashing four fifty two AM and the image of Amiel sitting at Danny’s bedside crying.

(Amiel’s POV)

I slowly open my eyes, an unfamiliar smell invades my senses and I fully open my eyes. Where am I? I frown and then I remember. I am at the hospital lying next to my dying husband. I look up and see Danny’s battered face and I start crying, again. I’m interrupted when a doctor comes in.

"Oh, are you Amiel Kieth?" He asks, his voice thick with a British accent. I sit up and rub my eyes, I must have crawled into bed with Danny before I fell asleep.

"Yea..." I say rubbing my face.

"Hi, I’m Dr. Gibson, Danny’s doctor." He says, extending a hand and smiling awkwardly at me. I attempt a smile but it comes out more as a frown.

"Hi." I say, shaking his hand. "How is he?" I rub his good leg and look at his swollen shut eyes.

"Well, that’s what I’m here to find out" He says, disconnecting a couple things, maybe the IV?

"What do you mean?"

"We need to run some tests, a basic MRI, some muscle reflex tests and some blood tests." He explains, "now that some of the swelling has gone down, we’ll be able to take a more clear look at his brain, see if there’s any swelling or anything of that nature."

"And if there is?" I swallow hard, what if he doesn’t remember me when he wakes up?

"Well," he takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly, "depends on where it is. If it’s in the back of the brain, near the base, there’s a chance that he might not ever be mobile again, I mean." He pauses when he sees the look of horror on my face, "he might have to be on life support for his whole life, now that’s the worst case, the best case situation is that he wakes up, full memory in tacked, and he goes home as soon as he’s all healed up." He says more positively and I smile a little.

"So there’s a chance he’ll wake up?" I ask hopefully. He hesitates.

"Uh, yes, there’s always a chance he’ll wake up. The more time that passes, the less chance there is, but, there’s been cases of people in a coma for nine years that wake up, so," he shrugs and I know he’s trying to be helpful and encouraging, but that’s gotta be impossible.

"He use to be a doctor..." I say distantly, looking down at him, "an oncologist."

"Yea?"

"Yea... I remember when he quiet. He said he couldn’t handle giving people a death sentence more than he could help people. Said he had to tell a fifteen year old girl that she was going to die in six months cause she had a cancerous brain tumor that was inoperable, said that was the worst day of his life." I wonder what this doctor thinks, I wonder how he handles telling people their husbands might never wake up again. I look up, finding myself slightly rocking back and forth and feeling slightly on the verge of insanity.

"It’s hard being a doctor," he looks sad and tired, just like Danny did. "All I can hope for each day is that I’ll be able to save someone’s life, keep someone from a horrible pain." He looks as if he might cry and just when I think he might, he clears his throat and hands me a clip-board, "we need someone to sign in order to do the tests. I believe you are his beneficiary, correct?" I nod my head and take the clip board, signing my name weakly. "Is there any other family you’d like me to call?" He asks and then I realize I haven’t called his parents... I haven’t even met his parents. I shake my head.

"No, I’ll call them." I don’t even know what their phone number is. I smile weakly and watch him and a bunch of other nurses wheel Danny out the door to do the tests. Sitting back down in the chair I look at my hands quietly, feeling the cold all around me. I miss him already and he’s not even gone. I’m so afraid he might go away, I’m so afraid he might die. I close my eyes and curl my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them while I wait.

(Adiel’s POV)

I wake up to the sound of rain pounding against the bedroom window and I open my eyes slowly. My back is turned to Spencer, his arm draped loosely around my waist, my hands buried under my pillow and my knees curled up to my chest. Must have been really upset last night. For a moment I almost forget what happened, but as the thundering sound echoes in the room from the rain, I remember everything. Danny was in an accident, he might die, he’s in a coma and I’m waiting for Amiel to fall apart. Yes, that is what happened. I groan, not sure if it was out of pain for Amiel, out of pain for watching him hurt, or just simply pain in general. I finally manage to crawl out of bed, almost literally, I’m so exhausted, I feel like I haven’t slept at all. Spencer doesn’t move an inch as I get out, he must either be in a really good, deep sleep, or having a horrible nightmare that he can’t wake up from, I can never tell, he rarely looks peaceful when he’s asleep anymore.

I rub the back of my neck as I find my way downstairs and head for the coffee machine. I stop abruptly when I see Devon standing in the kitchen pouring three cups of coffee.

"Morning?" I half say and half ask when he hands me a cup.

"Morning..." he says quietly and I notice the huge black shadows under his eyes.

"Have you slept at all?" Wow, I didn’t realize he cared that much about them. I mean, obviously he cares about them, they’re his best friends but... I mean, I don’t know why I’m so surprised, I just am.

"No, not really, fell asleep around five but I woke up at five thirty." He mumbles and sets the other cup on the island, I assume it’s for Spencer.

"Are you worried?" I ask stupidly. What a stupid question, of course he’s worried, we’re all worried!

"Yea," he sits down on the couch and pulls his knees against his chest, staring out the livingroom patio door where the rain is covering the small lawn that we have and filling all the random pots or cups out there (I don’t know why there are cups out there, there just is).

"Dev," I sit down next to him and put my head back, "I’m really worried too, and I mean, we’re all worried and we don’t know what’s going to happen, but," I shrug my shoulders, I’m really bad at all this stuff, "whatever happens is out of our control." I whisper, which is completely true and it’s all I can manage.

"I keep thinking..." He stops, shaking his head as if whatever he was going to say was ridiculous and meaningless.

"Keep thinking what?"

"What... what if he dies?"

I bite my lip and look out the window, trying not to cry with everything in me, "well, then he dies and we grieve," I shut my eyes, grieving, it is something I have done too many times and I am far to young to have mourned so many deaths, "and then we move on, not ever forgetting him, but keeping him alive in our memories." I say lamely, but it’s the truth, it’s possibly the only true thing in regards to death. You do grieve, and sometimes it takes a long time, like it did with me, and then you eventually learn to move on and you can’t ever forget the person, but you learn how to keep them alive in your mind without letting the pain and sorrow consume you. I have no idea how, I just know that’s what happens cause that’s how it’s been with me, all I can say in regards to moving on is that the only thing that helps with grief is people around you. Amiel is the only reason I have made it through everything so far, and I’m sure he’d say the same about me. I just hope that this isn’t the last straw for him, I just hope to whatever god there is out there that he won’t do anything stupid. I recall his words from years ago before he met Danny, ‘I miss Randy every day and I so wish he were here... Adiel, I don’t know if either of us will ever be able to move on again...’, the amount of pain in his face when he said those words even now makes my stomach flip with worry. What if he can’t ever move on if Danny dies? What if he can’t find the strength in him to get out of bed?

Stop it Adiel. I command myself and I look away, force myself to take in a deep breath.

"Now’s not the time for worrying Devon, we need to focus on being there for Amiel, help him through this." I say, determined not to think of the ‘what if’s’ and think only of the present, the current things and what needs to be done right away. Devon nods, understanding completely and he gets his ‘battle face’, which is like Spencer’s battle stance, only it’s his face. He gets this hard, not indifferent and mean look, but a hard and yet gentle look in his eyes, his jaw clenches and twitches a bit, and it’s as if he’s made a life-changing decision. I smile and stand up.

"Alrighty bud, let’s get ready and head over to the hospital. If you want to come of course..." I say quickly, not wanting to make him feel like he has to come, but obviously that wasn’t the right thing to say cause he gives me this death look.

"Of course I do." He gets up and disappears into his bedroom and I walk back upstairs with my coffee and the coffee for Spencer. When I walk into the bedroom, Spencer is buttoning up my favorite shirt of his, it’s a simple black dress shirt but it has this really nice cut to it and small pattern down the chest and he’s wearing simple blue jeans.

"Brought you some coffee." I say with a smile, kiss him quickly on the lips and head over to my dresser where I set my own cup down. I begin looking through clothes but I can’t seem to find anything right. What does someone wear to a hospital? Sweat pants and a sweater? That seems most appropriate but I think I’ll actually bring that to Amiel, he could probably use some different clothes. I toss some of my good sweats on the bed and then stare back in my dresser and closet. What do I wear? I frown, tell myself to stop worrying, pick out a simple t-shirt, jeans and hoodie. I quickly dress, not wanting my coffee to get cold and turn to face Spencer. He’s standing there, watching me (not in a creepy way, but in a sad, loving way).

"I know now’s probably not the right time to say, or maybe it’s the perfect time to say it, I should say it more often..." He whispers, his eyes are distant and I can’t say exactly what it is that’s making my heart pound either with excitement or anxiety. "But Adiel, I love you with everything in me and you are the most amazing person I know, you complete me and I don’t know what I’d do without you... wait, I do." He pauses, pulling me into his arms and hugging me tightly, I can hear the emotions in his voice, "I seize to exist without you."

My throat tightens and I want to cry but I can’t, I need to be strong right now.

"Thank you... and I love you Spencer," I pull away and cup his face with my hands, staring deeply into his eyes, trying to tell him without words that I need to be strong for Amiel right now, that I can’t focus on anything but that or else I’m going to fall apart, why I don’t know, but Danny is a really close friend. "I don’t know what to say..." I whisper and he cups my face, smiles softly and kisses my nose.

"That’s alright, I don’t need you to say anything, I just need to tell you that. You ready?" He pulls away, grabs his jacket and coffee and heads downstairs. Yes dear, I’m ready. I think rather annoyed and yet amused.

"Yup." I smile and follow him where we meet up with Devon who is dressed rather smart, but yet relaxed. "Shit, I forgot the clothes, brb!" I shout and run back up the stairs.

"BE RIGHT BACK!" Devon corrects me. He always gets so annoyed with I talk in abbreviations. I laugh, grab the clothes and run back down the stairs.

"Alright, ready." I smile and stuff the clothes into a bag, grab my travel mug (we’re stopping at Starbucks, duh) and we all head out the door in silence.

It feels like a freakin’ ... I don’t know, it feels like someone died when no one has yet, but then again, it’s been twenty four hours and he’s still not awake. Stop it. Amiel, Amiel, Amiel, Amiel. I must focus on Amiel.

~ ~ ~

"Hey Am, brought you some coffee," I say, not looking up as I enter the room, (I’m fumbling around in my bag while I hold the coffees in one hand). There’s no reply but I feel a set of hands on my shoulders and when I look up, I nearly drop the coffees. There is no bed in the room, well, there is, but Danny’s not in it and Amiel is curled up on the chair either crying or he cried himself to sleep. "Amiel!" I nearly shout, not meaning to, but if something happened to Danny and he didn’t call me, that would hurt. He jumps and looks up at me, his eyes dark red from crying and staying up so late, he’s got massive five-o-clock shadow and his hair is a mess (of course, it doesn’t matter, I’m just observing).

"Hey..." His voice his husky, probably from crying as well.

"Hey, Am, where’s Danny?" I ask as gently as I can, kneeling down in front of him and setting my hand on his knees.

"Oh," he looks almost surprised, as if I should already know but then he seems to remember everything and his eyes fill with hope and terror at the same time, "they’re doing some tests, I guess and MRI and all sorts of stuff." He finally explains and I feel myself let out a huge breath that I’ve been holding.

"Ok,"I smile weakly and hand him a coffee, "I brought you a coffee, peppermint mocha, your favorite."I lean back and sit down on my butt, crossing my legs and looking over at the other two. Spencer has found a couple chairs and they’re both sitting near by. Devon looks like he’s going to be sick with worry, and I feel so bad for him, I mean, he may be straight, but he’s the most emotional straight guy I have ever seen, I mean, he feels things like no else I know, deep and personal, no matter what the situation is. I look back at Amiel and he’s staring distantly at the floor, his head rocking back and forth slightly, tears streaming down his face but I don’t think he realizes he’s crying, I think he’s starting to get lost... lost in that emptiness, in the numbness, in that bitter cold place where everything hurts. I swallow hard and then look up when I hear the rolling of a bed and Danny plus a bunch of nurses come in. They wheel him back to where his bed usually is and proceed to re-hook him up to all the machines while the doctor reviews whatever he has in his clipboard and then meets Amiel’s eyes.

(Amiel’s POV)

"Mr. Kieth," I hear my sir name being called and I look up, Dr. Gibson is staring at me and his face is a strange color.

"Did he die?" I ask and then shake my head, what am I talking about it, I can hear the heart monitor beep with his heart. Duh.

"No," he says, but he’s not smiling, there’s nothing amusing about him, in fact, he’s strangely serious and I feel myself start to panic, "I’m afraid I do have some bad news though... Mr. Kieth-"

"Please, call me Amiel." I say, annoyed, I hate it when people call me Mr. Kieth, it’s too formal, even if they are telling me my husband might never wake up again.

"Alright, Amiel," he pauses to regain strength I’m sure, "your partner, Danny, um, I’m afraid that there has been a significant amount of brain damage, from what we can tell. That doesn’t mean a whole lot, it just means that from the tests we did, we’re finding that he’s unresponsive, that might change-"

"Unresponsive? What does that mean?" I demand, I want bluntness, no buttering it up.

"It means, even if he wakes up, he might seem like he’s aware of what is going on, but he isn’t actually."

"Like a vegetable?" I say bluntly and Adiel gives me a sour look. What? I shoot back at him and then look back at Gibson.

"Ah," he hesitates, "you could say that, though that’s not the correct term."

I nod, great. Just great. I feel the anger rising and I don’t want to aim it at anyone, but I can’t help it.

"No, the correct term is what? Mentally disabled? What’s the correct term for being a vegetable Doc?" I bark and then look over at Danny’s motionless body, "I’m sorry..." I mouth and once again, I realize I have tears running down my face.

"The politically correct term is permanently brain damaged."

(Danny’s POV)

Their voice are distant and mixed up, but I can understand most of it and all I can say is this: I am still here!! Hello! I’m here! Please! I feel as if I am lost, lost in this sea of darkness and there is no way out, all I want is to be awake, to tell them, to be able to tell them, I’m here.

"...you are not alone, I’m always there with you. And we’ll get lost together, till the light comes pouring through, cause when you feel like you’re done, and the darkness has won, babe you’re not lost. When your world’s crashing down, and you can’t bear the thought, I said, babe you’re not lost..."

Chapter Six

Shoe boxes hold all my treasures.

On the road again! Travelin’ down memory lane, ooh, on the read again!

(Amiel’s POV)

I must have a dozen shoe boxes filled with random junk. Well, it’s not -that- random, one is completely filled with pictures of Randy, my parents, my sisters, and a couple other people, another is filled with everything Randy ever gave me, another filled with birthday, Valentine, Christmas cards, and the list never ends.

I’m sitting on my bed (Adiel finally convinced me to come home, it’s been three days), boxes opened and spread out all over the place, you can’t even see my bed anymore. I took up smoking. Random and probably stupid I know, but I figured it was better than starving myself and better than drinking myself to death, right? So, therefore, I am smoking.

I flick the ashes into the ashtray and take a drag as I stare at the picture of Randy and I. It was taken when we were seventeen and we all took a trip down to Florida to Disney World. It’s beautiful country there you know. I wipe at the stray tear and close my eyes, letting the memories wash over me.

We were seventeen, Adiel and I. Randy and Dean had a surprise for us for Christmas, it was an ‘all-expenses-paid’ trip to Disney World. We left, all of us, our parents, us and their parents. When we got there (I loved our parents and theirs) we were given our own hotel room (yay) and we had the most amazing trip of our lives. We went on all the crazy rides, we bought those ridiculous Mickey Mouse hats, you know the ones with the ears and shit? Yup, we bought those. I turn it over in my hand, the hat in perfect condition. I smile at the memory of prom. We all wore them to our prom night.

I’m just getting into the whole wonderful, depressive state that memory lane tends to lead to when the phone blares from beside my bed. Adiel, Spencer, and Devon are all out (grocery shopping I think) so I lean over and look at the caller ID.

David Greene.

"Hello?" I say, frowning as I don’t recognize the caller.

"Hi, is Danny there?" The voice is deep and I can immediately tell that whoever is calling is from LA. I freeze. He’s asking for Danny, his last name is Greene, no, oh no.

"Um... can I ask who’s calling?" I say slowly, my hands shaking, how do I tell them?

"Oh year sure, it’s his father."

Shit.

"Mr. Greene, it’s Amiel, Danny’s boyfriend?" I hope he’s told them that he’s gay, I mean, that would make everything even more awkward.

"Oh hey Amiel! It’s nice to finally hear your voice at least, Danny’s told me all about you."

I smile, tears sliding down my face (if you haven’t noticed already, I’m a really emotional guy) and I swallow hard, sniffing a little.

"Mr. Greene, do you have a second?" My voice is thick and shaky, I don’t know how not to cry when I tell his parents that he’s been in a coma for three days and hasn’t woken up yet.

"Yea sure, what’s up?" I’m pretty sure he can tell something is seriously wrong, I don’t know him, but that worry is always detectable, even in a stranger.

"Um," I take in a deep breath and let out a slow shaky one, "I should have called you sooner but um, I’ve kind of been um, a little distracted and I’m really sorry, I mean, really and I had ever intention on calling you... I just didn’t know how." I mumble and I can tell he’s shifting, just like Danny always does whenever I have to tell him something that’s really difficult. He always shifts his weight, whether he’s standing or sitting, it’s his nervous habit.

"What’s going on?" He asks slowly and I bite my lip.

"Mr-"

"Call me David please." He interrupts.

"K... David... Danny was in a car accident." I finally get it out, that distant chill surrounding me and it’s almost as if I leave my body, my mind just taking off without me and I sit here, staring at random objects, slightly rocking and feeling so much pain that I literally feel paralyzed.

"How bad?" His voice is quiet and I’m not sure if it’s because of me, or if he’s whispering.

"Bad... he’s um, in a coma."

"When?"

"When did it happen? Monday."

"Monday?" He’s mad and I feel like throwing the phone across the room. He’s exactly like Danny (or Danny is exactly like him). Shifting is his nervous habit and when he’s pissed, he gets this really sarcastic sound to everything he says.

"I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier." I whisper, trying to push Danny from my mind but it’s impossible. I hear David sigh heavily and he shifts.

"We’re going to come visit, just to see him."

I nod even though he can’t see me, "k..."

"Amiel?"

"Yes?"

"Is there anything else we should know? Anything we should expect when we see him?"

I stare at my reflection in the mirror and the image of Danny laying in his bed, bruised and motionless fills my mind.

"Yea... he’s alive... technically, but he looks like a corpse." I say, almost coldly. David says a couple other things but I don’t hear them. We say goodbye, I hang up and then look down at the picture of Danny in my hands. I’m not sure how I managed to pick this up, but I did, and now it’s in my hand and all I can think about is Danny. The picture was taken when we first met in LA. He looks so old, a small smile lips the corners of my lips. He left his job, he left his home, he left his city just so he could be with me and we only knew each other for a week. Maybe I shouldn’t have ever gone home with him that night. Maybe, if I hadn’t, maybe he’d still be alive. No, he wouldn’t, he told me he probably would have killed himself soon anyway. He was like, massively depressed when I met him, I guess he sort of even had an eating disorder, he says it was, and I believe. I mean, he was freakishly skinny, not really disgustingly but yea, he was pretty skinny. He said he use to work out more than he ate, which I can believe, I mean, he’s doctor so he was probably busy doing stuff all day and just forgot to eat, plus, he said he never had an appetite anymore, telling people that they’re going to die kind of does that to a person.

I lay back on my bed, knees curled up by my chest, picture clenched tightly to my chest, tears soaking into the pillow from my closed eyes and completely surrounded by junk from my past, junk that always depresses me but is worse right now. I don’t want to make a shoe box for Danny, he doesn’t belong in a shoe box, he belongs here, with me, in this bed, in the kitchen, in my car, he belongs to this world, he shouldn’t be dead, he should be alive and healthy. I clench my jaw and let out a small cry. He can’t die, what am I going to do without him? This pain is too much. It feels like my guts are wanting to rip out of my stomach and my heart is trying to crawl up my throat. I always feel pain in my gut and throat. He can’t die, he can’t become another shoe box on the floor of my closet, he just can’t.

Empty Nights 2

Empty Nights 2

Chapter One

Five Years Later

(Adiel’s POV)

It’s staring at me again. The blank, judgmental stare haunting me. It’s empty, hallow and yet filled with resentment, hatred and judgement. Spencer said that this would be a good idea, said we could use it around the house, I seriously doubt that. I mean, I hate cats and I don’t understand why we need one. All it ever does is sit there and stare at you and then suddenly, it’ll start meowing like a wretched, dying creature and all you want to do is kick it across the room. Of course, Spencer is Mr. Smart and says it’s because I don’t feed him, which is not at all true (he’s on a diet, he’s fat), and says that I’m just paranoid. I swear, one day it’ll kill me in my sleep. He always has this devilish look in his eyes, as if he’s smirking at me. All day at home he lays there, glaring at me and when Spencer gets home he jumps up, runs over to him and Spencer picks him up. I swear that cat gives me a ‘haha-look-at-me-your-husband-likes-me-more’ type look every single time. God, I hate this cat. I hiss at him and he hisses back.

I swear he just said Adiel.

Anyway!

So, who am I? Pfft, why should we need an introduction? I’m the famous Adiel! Ok, so maybe not that famous. I’m Adiel Keith, I’m twenty-six years old, happily married to the love of my life, Spencer. Although, we’re not technically married, well, ok, we are planning on getting married, it’s just a bit complicated. In America, as some of you know, gays and lesbians don’t have the right to marry (apparently we don’t know what love is and are going to hell), so Spencer and I aren’t really married. We’ve been planning to get married either in Canada or Scotland at some point, but life’s been a bit crazy lately. We just graduated with our bachelor’s degree last year and trying to make a living as an artist and new teacher is a bit difficult. I mean, I had a job almost immediately after graduation, but I have all summer to mope around the house and Spencer, yikes. He pretty much had agents coming out his ears before he even graduated. The only thing is they were all too far away and well, I won’t leave Buffalo. I mean, I would, only if Amiel came with me. But we’ll get to Amiel in a second. So, we’ve kind of just wanted to get settled first, make sure we’re stable and that our relationship is for sure, even though, we all know it is, before we get married. When Spencer purposed to me, which by the way, was the most amazing thing in the whole world, it was more of a promise ring. He said he’d purpose when he thought we were for sure ready to get married, but yea. I don’t know when, I mean, I feel like we’re married, we’ve been together for six years and been living together for fives years. We share the same coffee cup, we sometimes share toothbrushes, we have sex, we wear each other’s clothes, we eat each other’s food, we bicker like an old married couple, I mean, the only thing that makes us not married is a piece of paper, but I guess it’s important to Spencer. And it’s important to me too, don’t get wrong, it’s just, well, never mind. I want to marry Spencer, I want to spend my entire life and if signing a piece of paper will show him my level of commitment to him, I’ll do it.

Anyway. Who is Amiel? Amiel is my identical twin brother. He’s the other half of me, almost literally. We’re not physically attached or anything, but we might as well be. We do almost everything together, not as much as Spencer and I, but almost as much, just obviously on different levels. He looks exactly like me, obviously. He’s got long-ish, dark, like, jet black hair and we have freakishly blue eyes. It’s a long story, but our parents genes got mixed (obviously... I like that word today), we got our mom’s eyes and our dad’s hair. He’s the same height as me– 5'9 and he’s small built. But he’s not as tiny as he use to be, nor me, but we’re not putting on the pounds, just more... muscular I guess. He’s filling out though, looking a bit more tougher than me, although, that’s all he does these days, hang out at the gym. We both have our lip, eyebrow, and tongue pierced and we both have the same tattoo on our shoulder. It’s of two wolf heads with ‘Adiel’ and ‘Amiel’ written under them. Long story short, it was our nineteenth birthday and the tattoo shows that no matter what, we’ll be there for each other. And I mean that. I owe so much to Amiel, I literally owe my life to him. He’s always been there for me and I’ve always been there for him. Some say that twins have a ‘sixth-sense’ about each other, I believe that completely. We always know when something’s bothering the other person, or if we’re trouble even if we’re not physically together. Where Amiel goes, I go, and where I go, Amiel goes.

So currently, I am teaching at a high school in Buffalo called, Buffalo High, go figure, we’re not that creative here. I teach grade eleven and twelve history and grade eleven art. I was suppose to only teach art, but oh well. I’ve sold over five paintings and it seems to work out. Spencer works at an art gallery down town, it’s an independent place but his agent is amazing. He’s currently trying to get a deal with Spencer to work with this guy in Canada, Jeremy Smith or something like that. Anyway, Spencer’s paintings are amazing. They’re not that abstract, not like mine, but they’re complicated and yet basic. They look like just the usual picture, only with the colors a bit more smeared, but they have so much depth in them. For example, one of my favorite paintings (which he gave me to me after we got back together) he painted it when we first met. It’s a boat in an ocean that’s a raging storm and the boat is capsized but the sky is completely blue and perfect for boating. It’s a beautiful painting, the blues and greens mingle together and it’s just wonderful, but it’s suppose to represent the inner battles, inner storms we go through in life, and how on the outside it may look like we’ve got it all together, on the inside it’s a storm. Yea, I know, deep hey?

Amiel is also a history teacher, but he teaches junior high, so basically, Social Studies. He works at the middle school but next year (not this coming fall) he’s going to be transferred to the high school to teach grade ten. Danny is a photographer. He use to be an oncologist but when he met Amiel he realized that he hated his job, hated his life and wanted to spend it with Amiel (adorable, I know) and so he quit, moved to Buffalo (he lived in LA) and moved in with us.

Devon, who the heck is Devon!? Devon is Spencer’s other half. Devon is Spencer’s Amiel, I should say. Spencer and Devon were born same date, same hospital, same time, in the next room from each other. Their families knew each other forever and so that’s how they met. They were inseparable most of their lives until Spencer got kicked out of his house and moved to Buffalo (where I met him at Buff State), and then when Spencer went back to New York (long and painful story, we broke up), Devon and Spencer left their families (got disowned in the process), Spence and I got back together, and Devon just moved in with us. He’s not gay though, not like the rest of us. He’s very, very straight, but he’s not seeing anyone. He’s a writer. That should explain everything, but for the sake of my readers, I will explain more. He writes so much that he tends to not notice the world around him. Some days I think the house could collapse around him and he wouldn’t notice.

So that’s my family. Spencer, Amiel, Danny, and Devon all live with me in our house. We pooled our money together and bought it five years ago. No one’s really decided what to do when we get married, but oh well, I don’t mind living with them.

Amiel and I don’t have any other family then these guys. Let’s start from the beginning cause this is a really long story, so I’ll make it short. Our family consisted of our oldest sister, Casey, our younger sister, Sarah, and our parents. Casey over-dosed on heroin when she was fifteen (no one ever found out if it was suicide or accidental), Sarah died from SIDS three weeks after she died, and our parents died in a freak plane crash. We had boyfriends, Dean and Randy, but they died in a car accident caused by a drunk driver along with our best friend Chanttel. They had just died a year ago when we met Spencer. So yea, we’ve had a lot of people die in our lives and it’s really sucked but we’ve realized we have to let go and move on. There aren’t any more Keiths left, in our family anyway, other than Amiel and I. Sad, yes I know.

Oh, Kade and Efrem. These people are important in our lives though it may not seem like it. These guys are responsible for me meeting Spencer, they basically introduced us without actually introducing us. Kade is possibly the weirdest girl you’ll ever meet. She was born both male and female, her parents made her a girl, but she was suppose to be a boy so she’s pretty... manly. But she’s not a dike, you’d just never know she was a girl. Efrem... Efrem is Kade’s husband, who loves and adores her with everything in him. They’ve been together since grade seven and now they’re married with two kids. It’s crazy! We met them at Buff State, Kade was getting her degree in psychology and Efrem was getting his degree in art. They moved to Canada just last year, which kind of sucked, but we still talk a lot. And I mean, it’s not like Canada is far from Buffalo anyway, only forty five minutes. We don’t really have any other friends, we’re kind of a group in and of itself.

So that’s my family and that’s who I am.

I get off the couch and flick on the CD player. I’ve discovered this new band called, "Blue October" they’re pretty awesome. I’m not really all into the dance type music, but they have some other good stuff like, "Into the Ocean" and "Calling You" so yea.

"...I wanna swim away but don’t know how. Sometimes it feels like I’m falling just into the ocean... let the rain of what I feel right now come down...."

(Amiel’s POV)

"Funny but it seems the only thing to do, run and find the one who loves me, what I feel has come and gone before..."

... How this song is energizing I have no idea. Rainy Days and Monday’s by The Carpenters is possibly one of the most depressing songs I know, and it’s far from being fast. So why they play it in the gym at five in the morning, I don’t know. Perhaps they want everyone to fall asleep.

I glance down at the numbers in red on the treadmill that indicate my heart rate and then turn the page of my Vogue magazine. Danny got a job offer by Vogue actually just last week, of course, he turned it down, said something about not wanting to be tied down by a boss or move to France. I of course, agreed with the man completely, but felt a little disappointed, I mean, it’s Vogue! He’s an amazing photographer but I’m sure he could be doing better if he’d actually work for a company and not freelance. I sigh which turns into a couple little gasps for breath and suddenly the machine slows down, wow, it’s been forty five minutes already? I slow down as I ‘cool down’, closing my magazine, I attempt to decide what next to do. I could go over and lift a couple weights, or I could go do one of the bikes, or maybe... I look around the gym, watching everyone around me move to their next training spot all sweaty and gross like.

Do you ever have those moments where you’re standing somewhere and it suddenly feels like the world stops and you’re watching as if you belong and yet you don’t, as if life is just too short and it’s in those moments that you remember everything that you care about and the reasons that you’re alive? I’m having one right now and I smile as the butterflies race through my stomach. Danny. I close my eyes and let the images of him flood my mind, the love I have for him is undescribable and it washes over me every morning when I wake up and see him next to me, giving me peace and hope for the day. I let out a happy sigh and walk off the treadmill, I’m done for today. For a while there, I was starting to get worried that I was going to relapse with my anorexia, but you know what? Nope, I’m not, I’m happy with my life right now and even though I have this frightening feeling that something’s going to go wrong, but then again, that’s the way it’s always been, every time life is going good, something bad happens. Like when everything between Adiel, Spencer, Danny and I was going great, Adiel and Spencer broke up. That stupid woman had to show up and take Spencer away from him and then Adiel nearly drank himself to death. God, that was the worst. He use to have a drinking problem back when we were teens but he kicked it after mom and dad died. But when he and Spencer broke up, he drank more than I have ever seen him drink. He finally got himself help... but that was a huge scare, AIDS and everything was involved and yea, too long to share and too painful so I’m not going there.

I shut my locker door and head out of the gym.

"See ya tomorrow Am!" Jim, one of the guys that always works out at the same time says as I head to the door.

"Adios Jim!" I say, waving back and run to my car. Damn, it’s raining. I start my car, a beautiful little green Honda, and drive back home. Jewel starts playing in my CD player and I stop at the red light, listening to the song, Hands. For whatever reason, that feeling is coming back, but this time it’s so strong that I almost feel sick with anxiety and fear. Stupid, I know so I try to push it away mentally and turn onto my street. The lights are on in the house which means everyone is up, which is a great thing cause well, I don’t know, just good to see everyone.

"Look Adiel," Spencer’s slightly agitated voice greets me as I walk in. I turn away before I hear anymore and head into my room where Danny is just getting dressed.

"Hey sexy." He says when he sees me, pulling me into his arms and kissing me good morning. I close my eyes, kissing him back and letting all the anxiety wash away as that amazing love runs over me. Savor this Amiel, savor this. A small voice says gently into my ear, or maybe it was just in my head? I hug him, taking in his scent and savoring everything about him.

"Morning." I say finally with a smile and kiss his cheek before I head into the bathroom.

"How was your work out?" He asks from the doorway.

"Good, cutting back a bit." I say honestly, cause I was doing two hours every morning, instead, I’m only going to do an hour and a half.

"That’s good, I mean, I was starting to worry about you." His voice is gentle and I know he doesn’t mean to upset me.

"Yea, well, I guess you had a good reason to. I mean, I haven’t really eaten a full meal in a while-"

"Two weeks to be exact." He says a bit more firm but still filled with love and concern. I smile comfortingly at him and shrug a little.

"It tried to creep up on me, but don’t worry, it won’t win." I say, knowing that he knows exactly what I mean by it.

"Alright." He pulls me into his arms again, his eyes soft and tender as they always are, "if you say I don’t need to worry, I won’t."

But you do need to worry. It whispers again and I want to vomit. There’s nothing to worry about, I’m not getting sick again and just to prove myself wrong, I’ll go and eat a big breakfast. I wait for the sign that tells me that I’m sick, anxiety always rises up in my stomach at the thought of food if I’m sick, and it’s not there. Just that quiet voice that’s telling me something is wrong, something is seriously wrong but I don’t know what’s wrong.

"I love you." I say a little more seriously than I meant to, in fact, even I am taken off guard by how serious I sound. I mean, I love you is always a serious thing to say, but the way I said it sounded as if I was worried about something, afraid that it’d be the last time I’d see him.

"I love you too." He says, running his finger under my chin and winking at me. I smile back and tell myself he’s not leaving. Danny will never leave me.

Chapter Two

(Danny’s POV)

I can’t help but worry. I know Amiel said not to worry, but something is going on today and it just doesn’t feel right. I stare into my coffee and hardly notice the group of people moving around me. Adiel and Spencer are arguing about something, probably something minor as they hardly ever fight about big things anymore, Devon is making breakfast and Amiel is in the shower, and here I am, sitting at the island in the center of the kitchen staring in my cup of coffee and feeling almost violently ill with worry.

He’s not getting sick again. I tell myself for what must be the millionth time. He won’t get sick. I keep repeating it and it seems like the truth, but if it is, then what else is going on? The group isn’t falling apart. I mean, Devon is kind of the odd ball, but then again, everyone but me seems to fit in perfectly, but I fit in too, I guess we all freakishly fit in perfectly. Even though there is an odd number of us, we all seem to function so well, maybe that’s it. Maybe the pressure of Adiel and Spencer getting married is starting to get to everyone. I have no idea what Amiel and I are going to do once they get married. Who gets the house? Where are we going to live? Where’s Devon going to live? It should be worrying me, but it’s not. They’re not getting married for a while and it just doesn’t seem like it’s a big problem. I sigh and look up at Devon, who by the way, is very good looking (I have eyes, I’m allowed to look but not touch) but he’s always got his nose in his book and well, I don’t know, I have no idea why he doesn’t have a girlfriend yet. According to Spencer he’s never had a girlfriend and he has no desire to have one. Which is cool and everything, but I can’t help but wonder is it because he doesn’t want one or he thinks he can’t get one?

Ugh, too much thinking too early in the morning.

"Whatcha makin’?" Adiel says as he swings around the corner and smells the kitchen air.

"Pancakes, want some?" Devon says as he flips a pancake in the air. If there is one thing I love most about Devon being here is he’s an amazing cook and seeing as no one in this house except him can cook, it’s a damn good thing he’s here.

"Oooh pancakes! Ja!" He says excitedly and pours himself a cup of coffee. "AMIEL!! We need to pick up more Starbucks and where’d you put my travel cup?" He shouts as loud as he possibly can so that Amiel will hear him in the shower, the rest of us cringe.

"It’s in the dishwasher!" He screams back and I shake my head. Weird I say, that’s all I can say, weird.

"THANKS!"

Ouch.

I get up and rinse my cup out before moving to the fridge for some orange juice. Spencer walks in, pinches all of our asses, all of us jump as he grins and pours a cup of coffee.

"Hey!" Devon says, smacking him in the butt with the flipper, "no touchy!"

"Pfft, I can touch all I want." He says with a devilish smile and Adiel raises an eyebrow, setting his hands on his hips. He is so gay.

"Oh really?" He says, giving him the death look and Spencer smiles innocently.

"No, I can’t touch at all." He says nodding his head and I laugh, he is so wiped.

"Good boy." Adiel says and kisses his cheek, running around the island and plopping down on the stool. Spencer sticks his tongue out when he turns his back.

"I saw that." Adiel says, eye brow raised again when he looks at him.

"How?!" Spencer’s jaw hangs open and he looks at all of us for an explanation. I shrug my shoulders and smile, taking a sip of my orange juice I can’t help but love life at this moment. It’s absolutely perfect and I love living here. My four best friends that I would give anything for.

(Devon’s POV)

I sigh heavily as I sit down at my computer. The silence lingering heavily in the air, everything but the heavy beat of the rain against the window. Chills run down my spine and I look outside. I have this feeling that something is going to happen, something bad. I’m not sure what, but I got this feeling earlier that something was going to happen, not between people, but to someone. I shake my head and open WordPerfect where my story is.

The brisk air pressed against Jeff’s face as he walked to the familiar park.

The words stare at me and I lean back in my chair. I don’t have writer’s block, I just don’t have any focus right now. I don’t have any supernatural powers or anything but I’ve always been pretty intuitive about things around me and I can almost always detect that something’s wrong. But I can’t pin point it and that’s bothering me. Spencer said that the argument between him and Adiel was nothing and I believe him, he didn’t have that look in his eyes that he gets when he’s lying so I have no reason not to believe him, but what else is wrong? Amiel ate breakfast this morning so I think the risk of him getting sick isn’t there or at least not anymore (yes, I noticed he stopped eating a while ago and working out more but it’s not my place to say something so I didn’t), and he and Danny seem to be doing really good. Hmm, Danny. I look out the window again and watch the water run down the glass, maybe something’s wrong with Danny? Nah, I mean, I don’t know the guy that well but I’m almost 99% positive that there’s nothing going on with him.

I rub my face and stare back at the screen, trying to still my mind. It’s always loud inside my head. Always filled with many voices, God’s, character’s, conversations, my own, and then the worrying part of me. Frustrated, I get up and walk around the empty house. Everyone’s off to work and I’m here alone, like I am almost every day. Well, Adiel is usually here but he’s out doing who knows what. I have no idea what he’s doing, I forgot to ask but oh well. So at the moment, the house is empty and silent, silent except the rain pounding against the windows and for a moment, I feel as if my world might come crashing down on me.

(Danny’s POV)

Annoyed with the weather for making me late for work, I look at my watch and back onto the road. It’s raining so hard I can hardly see and I know I shouldn’t be going this fast but I’m really late for work. I flick my signal light on, shoulder check, and pull into the left lane, speeding past the other driver next to me. I look in my review mirror and frown. There’s a little black car speeding down the road and to be honest, I’m not sure if the driver is in control or not. I feel my heart start racing when he begins to fishtail. Do I speed up or do I slow down? Do I quickly change lanes but if I do that, I might hit someone. Helplessly, I speed up as he gets closer. He must be going 85 or more. I look ahead and my stomach lands in my throat as the semi-truck gets closer. What the hell is going on? Why is everything getting so close? I try to slow down but the car behind me is coming up too fast. I shift a little to try and brace myself in case something happens. I want to reach for my phone but I know I shouldn’t but I really want to talk to Amiel. I shake my head quickly to try and clear my head, what am I going to do? I look at the semi ahead and wonder why the break lights are on, he better not stop. I look to my right where there’s another car and honk, trying to get them to move but they only glare back and keep going at the same speed. Shit. I feel the panic rising and I try to calm myself down. In an instant, before I can do anything but yell out for Amiel, I watch the little black car spin out of control, smash into the car next to it, and suddenly I feel all the air leave my lungs as I hit the back of the semi that stopped and the other two cars come crashing into me. Amiel is all I can see in my head before I feel the blood run down my chest and my eyes become too heavy to keep open.

When everything feels like the movies, ya you bleed just to know you’re alive... When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am...

Chapter Three

(Devon’s POV)

I finally get into a role of things with my book. Which took five coffees to get there but whatever, I’m enjoying the silence while it lasts. Adiel and Amiel went out, not sure where, but I think they went to Michael’s or something for paint supplies, Danny and Spencer are off at work and I, I am sitting in my nice comfy computer chair typing away at my book, already past chapters one through three and I’m on the fourth chapter when the phone rings. I plan on ignoring it but I can’t help look over at it. I feel my stomach flips and I take a second glance. Buffalo General Hospital. I frown and almost miss the call before I can figure out why someone from the hospital would be calling.

"Hello?" I say, my voice shaking a bit. God, please let everything be ok.

"Hello, is.. Amiel Kieth there?" The voice asks. His voice is deep and he has a thick British accent, he must be the doctor.

"No he’s not, but can I take a message?" I ask, shaking more now. If they’re calling for Amiel, it must have to do with Danny or Adiel. Oh God..."Uh, who am I speaking with?"

"Devon Michaels, I’m Amiel’s roommate." I say, standing up and walking out of my room to pace. "What’s going on?"

"This is Doctor Gibson from Buffalo General Hospital. Are you related to Daniel Greene?" He asks and my heart starts racing. It’s about Danny. Oh God, please let him be ok."No, but he’s also my roommate, um, what’s going on? Is he ok?" I ask quickly and there’s a long pause, he’s hesitating, why is he hesitating?

"There’s been a car accident," he says and I immediately flick on the news and I’m horrified as ‘breaking news’ flashes on the screen about a twenty-car pile up on the highway, the one Danny takes to work.

"The pile-up? Is he ok?"

"He’s alive. He’s in intensive care at the moment..." He pauses again and I can tell this is difficult for him, why is it difficult? "We’re afraid... he might have internal injuries-"

"What kind of internal injuries?!" I nearly shout, I hate it when doctors beat around the bush.

"Possible brain damage... he hasn’t regained consciousness." He says gently, "Mr. Michael’s, I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but if you could give that message to Amiel and if he could come down to the hospital, there are things that need to be discussed."

I’m paralyzed. I can’t do anything but nod stupidly and mutter some sort of ok. I hang up the phone and stare out the window. How am I suppose to tell Amiel that his husband is lying in a bed in a coma and might die? How am I suppose to do that? I close my eyes and sit down on the couch. God, please, God please let him be ok, I pray he lives. Lord... oh God... how am I suppose to tell him? Spencer pops into my mind and I realize I could call Spencer, have him tell Amiel or Adiel. Quickly, I dial Spencer’s cell number and wait for him to pick up.

(Spencer’s POV)

I hang up the phone after talking with my agent in depth about an up coming unveiling when my cell phone rings. I look at the caller ID and frown, why is Devon calling me?

"Hey." I say, leaning back in my chair and yawning, "what’s up?" I ask once he doesn’t say anything for a while.

"Spencer, you need to come home, now." He says firmly, his voice his shaking and he sounds like he might be crying. Oh God, please let Adiel be ok."Why? What’s going on?" I say, grabbing my jacket and waiting for him to tell me something as I put it on. "Is Adiel ok?!"

"Adiel’s fine." He stops, "Spencer, just get home." He says and hangs up. Ugh, I hate it when he does this, well... wait a second, he’s never done this. The realization of this makes me panic even more as I tell the receptionist that I have to leave and I race out the door.

I don’t know how I get home, but I manage to get home quickly. I don’t have a car (never have had one, don’t believe in them (Global Warming)) so I either ran or took a cab but I think I ran cause I’m out of breath and soaking wet when I burst through the front door.

"Devon!" I shout and he comes out of his room, pale as a ghost. "What the fuck is going on?"

"Spencer, Danny’s been in an accident..." He says slowly and I stare at him in horror. Oh... God... not a car accident. Immediately, the memory of Adiel telling me about Randy and Dean’s death floods my mind and all I can see is Adiel’s broken face as he tells me that he can’t handle losing someone else. And then the image of Amiel staring out the plane window when we left for LA, his longing for Randy was clear and Adiel thought he’d never manage to move on. Now that he has, his husband has been in a car accident, just like Randy. I feel my heart racing and I sit down on the couch.

"How?"

"Um, there was an accident on the highway... I guess, he was in it."

"Do you know how bad it is?"

"Bad, like, almost deadly." He says and sits next to me. "Spence, I can’t tell Amiel." I look over at him and he’s got tears in his eyes.

"I’ll tell him... We’ll wait for them to get home, they should be home soon." I say and go make coffee while Devon tells me everything else he knows about the accident, but all I can think of is what will Amiel’s face look like?

(Amiel’s POV)

I run around the corner only to find Adiel running at me with the cart and the most evil look I have ever seen before. I laugh and run around the corner again. I feel like a child but I don’t care, we’re shopping for art supplies which always gets us a little giddy and well, I’m possibly the happiest I have been in a really long time. He comes up behind me and we grab some paints.

"So, have you and Spencer actually picked out a date yet?" I ask as I notice some wedding scrap booking stuff.

"No, not really. I mean, we have the rest of our lives right? And well, I think we want to wait until next summer at least, maybe August." He smiles, he’s got that dreamy look on his face which makes me smile. "I want to get married next fall, next August or the end of July and beginning of August." He says distantly.

"So why don’t you?" I ask, tossing a tube of royal blue paint into the car.

"It’s too soon. I mean, we would have time, after all, it’s a year away, but we haven’t even discussed dates yet and besides, we might wait until you’re settled into your new school and stuff."

"About that, where is everyone going to live?"

"At home." He says firmly, that stupid annoying eyebrow frown he gets when he’s confused.

"Well, you and Spencer will be married, are you sure you want us running around the house?" I mean, I love the idea of staying with them, but I don’t want them to not have any ‘newly-married’ time taken from them.

"Um, Aim, nothing’s going to change. I mean, we’re already basically married, we just need that piece of paper. And it’s not like we need that stupid newly wed time, we already had that when we got engaged." He says nonchalantly.

"Oh..." I smile and let out a breath, not realizing I was holding my breath.

"You got everything?"

"Yup!" I grin and we head through the check out. We pick up Spencer’s canvases (he orders them in bulk, better deal and cause it’s for business he gets them even cheaper, we tend to ‘borrow’ them hehe) and have one of the stock boys help us bring them to Adiel’s car (also a little Honda, only white). It’s still pouring rain but I love the rain. What does it matter that the love of my life was killed by a drunk driver in the rain? That’s ancient history, I have a new love of my life (not replaced, just different place in my heart) and he’s at work, taking beautiful pictures. I smile as Adiel drives home and I stare out the window.

I lug our bags and canvases up the front steps and fumble for my keys (Devon always locks the door, says he probably wouldn’t notice someone breaking in, which we completely agree with). I unlock the door and push it open, Adiel nearly tripping over me as we literally spill through the doorway. Adiel gets back on his feet quickly but he stops laughing and it takes me a moment before I look up to see Spencer standing there with Devon, both of them in their semi-battle stance/be-brave/I’m-really-upset-but-I’m-trying-to-look-strong stance. I set my keys down and look at them.

"What’s going on?"

"Why are you home?" Adiel asks just after I ask for an explanation. Spencer takes the bags from Adiel’s hands and Devon takes the bags from mine. I watch them, utterly confused and then it suddenly dawns on me. If something serious is going on, something so serious that Spencer is home, why isn’t Danny here? Where is Danny? Why isn’t Danny here?

Calm, be calm. I tell myself, everything is ok.

"Am, Ad, common..." They each slip a hand under our elbows and lead us to the livingroom where they sit us down. I feel like a little kid when he’s in trouble or when their mom died. Oh god, I feel like I did when our parents died. That was horrible. We came home from school and there was a social worker and a police officer there (we were on the bus when they were looking for us) and they did the same thing, they took our hands and sat us down on the couch and told us that mommy and daddy had been in a really bad accident and weren’t ever coming home again. I feel my throat tightening and I realize I’m close to crying at the memory.

"Spencer, what’s going on?"Adiel asks firmly and he sits down, rubbing his face tiredly. He always does this when he’s nervous.

"Can I talk to you alone?" Spencer says suddenly and we all look at him surprised, even Devon.

"Ok..."

"What’s going on!?" I shout and look at them, Devon looks down.

"I’m going to go make some coffee." He says and leaves before I attempt to beat it out of him and Spencer and Adiel disappear into the bathroom. I sit there, completely paralyzed with fear yet I’m shaking and looking around like a terrified caged animal. For what seems like forever, Adiel finally comes out with the same solemn look on his face. Oh god, oh god, oh god! That look, no, no, no!

I begin shaking my head before Adiel even sits down.

"Amiel... Danny was in a car accident..." He says and I hear a wretched scream, for a moment, I don’t even realize it was me. No, no, NO! Not again, not Danny. "He’s alive." He says firmly, taking my arms in his hands and forcing me to look at him.

"Is he ok?" I ask, staring at him with wide eyes and I can tell there’s something he’s not telling me. "Does he have no memory? Is he paralyzed? Did they have to amputate? What the hell is going on Adiel?" I cry, desperate for an answer.

"Amiel, he’s in a coma... they’re not sure about anything right now, they’re just saying he’s in critical condition and that he hasn’t woken up yet." He explains slowly, tears running down his own cheeks and I look away, staring out the window. It’s playing in my mind like a scratched CD, repeating itself over and over. That horrible night that Adiel and I found out about Randy and Dean... that horrible night that I waited for him for so long and he never came back, that horrible, horrible night that I lost him to everything. In the bloody rain. I close my eyes, remembering Randy’s cold, dead body as it lay motionless in the coffin. His lips were so hard... so cold... they were lifeless. I hear myself crying but it’s not connecting, I can’t lose him, I won’t lose him.

I feel so cold, so, so cold.

"I wish I had a river, I could skate away on. I wish I had a river so long, I would teach my feet to fly, Oh I wish I had a river, I could skate away on..."

((*sniff sniff* I actually have a plan for this YAY!! Possibly for the first time in history! Please rate!!!!!! PLEASE?!?!?!!?!? *huge puppy eyes* Or email me and tell me what you think! hisdyingbride@hotmail.com I’m desperate for a review. And yes, it ends sad, and yes, there is a point to finishing it. And yes, I will be updating tomorrow. I have plans to spend the day writing. Yay! Enjoy!! Hopefully. Hope it’s not too sad...))

The Box

A bit of a break from the stories...

The Box

I fear the silence that lingers in the darkness

the kind that drives a person mad,

It is haunting.

I hate the tear that falls in fear,

A mockery of my strength.

In this darkness, I fear myself,

For when one is put into a box,

Filled with darkness

It is one’s mind who drives them insane

I find myself in this type of box,

A steal, cold box on the outside,

To the naked eye,

It is just a cold box,

But inside, I have made my madness,

Creating a world of my own,

Just in an attempt to hide from this one.

It is in this dark little box

That I find myself alone

ever did I realize just how cold it truly is.

I speak to myself,

Soothing my soars with sand paper,

I cover up the box,

Trying to make it beautiful

To the naked eye.

I cover it with pretty pictures,

A little Da Vinci

Possibly,

Is it possible,

That if this box is covered

Then maybe I too am covered?

Would it mask my madness,

Hide my eyes in a veil?

Is it possible to do such a thing?

For insanity to disappear behind a picture?

I fear the silence that lingers in the darkness,

In this darkness, I fear myself

September 7, 2007

Age 17

The Oppressed Butterfly

I apologize for the wait and for the lack of material. I've been insanely busy with social life, vacation, and work so do forgive me. Here is a couple pages but it's not much, I'm sorry. And it's taking right off from the last place.

Jillian licked her lips and took a deep breath.

"D.I.D? Why do you think so?"

Sarah shifted in her chair and forced all her training, all her knowledge of this disorder to the surface.

"Because... it’s more than just average dissociation. It’s more than dissociation." She took a long, shaky breath and licked her lips, "it started a while ago. I had a nightmare, really strange nightmare. But it wasn’t even really a nightmare, just a dream." She stopped, Jillian knew nothing about her car accident, she wouldn’t understand the memory loss. "Ok, I’ll start from the beginning. I was in a car accident when I was twelve. It killed both my parents and I lost all my memory. So, I’ve never remembered anything and yea... so anyway. Um, I had this dream and in the dream there was this little girl and she was bound. And I think I was that little girl. And I kept trying to get lose and then this guy came in and untied me, he said he wouldn’t hurt me. And I asked him where I was and he said I was here... in Niagara Falls... and then he said he was my dad." Sarah sighed, pausing only for a minute. Jillian opened her mouth to speak, but Sarah quickly started up again. "And then, then I had another nightmare... that was a real nightmare, it scared the crap out of me. There was this girl, and it was so so dark. Like, so dark that I felt like I could touch it, that’s how dark it was. And she was bleeding, she kept bleeding... bleeding from her ears... her mouth... her nose... and the hem of her dress. It was so weird. But she kept reaching out, like she was grabbing onto a hand that wasn’t there. Waiting... and then... she stared to sing this song... ‘hush little baby, don’t say a word... hush little baby don’t cry, no body cares anyway’ something like that, but at the end it was like, ‘hush little baby, don’t say a word as I chock you with my hatred...’ I don’t remember exactly, but it was so weird. And the next day I totally forgot about it, it was like it never happened, but later, I remembered it. Then, Marc, my husband, and I went to the park. And we were sitting on the swings having a conversation when I saw this little girl. She was sitting alone in the sandbox playing... and then she looked up at me. And wow... her face was completely covered in bruises and her eyes... oh god her eyes. They were black, jet black. And then she stood up, but when she stood up, it wasn’t the little girl anymore, it was the woman, from my dream. And she was bleeding again and crying... and she reached out for me again... asking me to help her. And then Marc shook me and got me out of it... and I forgot until later as well. And then, when we got home...there was this guy standing outside the house... and he was the guy from the dream...the one who said he was my father. Anyway, and I keep having nightmares like this. But... yesterday morning... that was the last straw. I had to come see someone, I knew it was more serious than I thought. I slept in. I never sleep in on a work day. Ever." She emphasized the ‘ever’. "I wake up at 4:45 am every morning to go for a morning walk and I have never once missed this, except weekends. And I woke up with half an hour to get to work. When I got in the shower, there was blood every where and then I blanked out. The next thing I remember is wondering why I’m dressed in a mini skirt and halter top. Marc was so freaked out when he came in the room... but it was even worse when we saw the note on the mirror." Sarah paused, remembering the horrible feeling as she saw the words written across the mirror. "‘This is not who I am. This is not my life. Let me live.’ that’s what it said..." She looked at Jillian helplessly, this was perfect evidence for D.I.D.

Jillian listened and chewed her lip as Sarah told her what was going on. Shifting her weight, Jillian began in agreement.

"For the little amount I know, I do agree. It sounds a lot like Dissociative Identity Disorder. How about you tell me more about yourself?"

"What all do you want to know? There isn’t much to know." Sarah leaned back in her chair and shifted.

"Well, how did you meet Marc?" Jillian suggested.

"I met him in university," Sarah said, a smile beginning to spread across her face, "we were both taking psychology with a lot of the same classes. We had been talking about the social norms and how as teenagers we tend to stray from ourselves and try to fit into the norm, afraid to be different. And somehow in the class discussion, we got talking about how when you’re a kid and you pass notes that say, ‘do you like me? Circle yes or no’. And a few days later someone handed me this note and they said it was from Marc. I opened the note and it said, ‘do you like coffee, circle yes or no’." Sarah smiled at the memory, "I circled yes and passed it back, he asked me out for coffee and that was the beginning of it." She sighed happily and looked up at Jillian. Jillian smiled back and tilted her head a bit to the side.

"Are you guys happy?"

"Very. Well I mean, Marc’s worried about everything that’s going on with me, and I’m a little stressed, but for the most part, we couldn’t be happier." It was the truth, they were both happy with each other, with God, with who they were and they both knew they could tackle any mountain if God was their focus.

"That’s good. Sarah, may I ask a personal question?" Jillian asked, her tone suggesting a new subject.

"Of course."

"Do you think that it’s possible you were abused as a child?"

Immediately, without even considering the question, Sarah shook her head. "Not possible. A lot of people knew my parents and they were good people, wonderful people. They wouldn’t hurt me, ever. Besides, the only time I broke a bone prior to the accident was when I fell out of a tree and broke my arm." She paused, wondering if it were possible. It would make sense for the symptoms, and it’s usually the perfect, happy families that are the most broken families. "I, I suppose it’s possible." She looked down, trying to pry her memory. "I don’t know, I mean, I’m not sure it’s even physically possible for me to remember, but I suppose, if Jesus wants me too, I will. But I mean, like, I wouldn’t be able to tell you if I were. I just, I don’t remember."

"Sarah," Jillian leaned forward, "I work with a lot of people who have had injuries that have prevented them from remembering, and as a counselor yourself, we both know that it is extremely dangerous to even give the possibility of abuse to a traumatized person who wouldn’t know if they had been abused or not. If they weren’t abused, it leads to a lot of bad results. But we also know the symptoms of an abused person." Jillian looked into Sarah’s eyes and Sarah shifted, looking down nervously. "Let’s talk about the accident. How did you cope?"

Sarah shrugged, "God. Well, at first no. I was really suicidal for a while, I didn’t want to live anymore. Who wants to keep living when they don’t remember the first twelve years of their life and they’re suppose to just keep going, acting like they know exactly what to do? So I struggled, I went through a small drug stage for a bit but when Alice and Daniel adopted me they showed me who Jesus was and that’s how I coped. I ran to Jesus when things weren’t going right and he was my strength, still is. I went through the whole discovering who I was, letting go of my parents, all of that, just like a healthy, grieving person does." Sarah smiled at the last part. All her life she had always been her own counselor in a way. She was always able to notice when something was off in herself and almost all the time she could counsel herself through it.

"That’s good." Jillian nodded and looked down at her note pad. Sarah looked over at the clock and slid to the edge of the seat.

"Well, hour’s up, but can we make another appointment?"

"Sure thing!" Jillian pulled out her planner, "Next Tuesday? Five o-clock?" Sarah looked down at her own schedule and nodded,

"works perfectly!"

"Wonderful. See you then!"

Sarah waved and walked out, taking in slow, deep breaths, trying to still the sudden off feeling in her spirit.

~ ~ ~

June 20, 2005

Jeremy smiled up at the ceiling. It was the first time he could remember waking up and smiling. He looked over and ran a hand through the smooth hair that lay around Emily’s shoulders. Jeremy quietly slid out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans over his boxers and walked into the hallway.

The conversation he had with Emily the other day continued to play itself over in Jeremy’s mind as he cooked breakfast. Emily was so eager to help him figure what was going on with him, to get him help, which also included quitting smoking weed. He sighed, turning the conversation over and over. He didn’t understand his own determination to figure things out, but he knew he wanted some sort of closure, something to either cut the ties, or to rebuild broken relationships. The only problem was, could he bring himself to even look at his mother? And if he could, how would he find her? He knew he could find some sort of private detector or something, but still, what if they couldn’t find her. Although, it probably wouldn’t be that hard. A PI was almost always reliable and he could afford a really good one.

Eventually, the thoughts of costs for a PI led Jeremy to sitting at the table going through bills that were still not paid. He bought this house in a rush, seeing as there was already an offer made but Jeremy was eager to get this house and out of his eagerness, he didn’t do a proper inspection and he painfully found out that the taxes hadn’t been paid in far too long of a time and there was a crack in the foundation. It had taken all his money at the time, including a loan from the bank, which wasn’t easy to get seeing as he already had student loans to pay off. And because at that time, he was into a lot heavier drugs and it being an addiction, he asked to borrow the money from Sarah. At the age of twenty two, Jeremy was in over 30, 000 dollars of debt. He owed the bank, he owed his sister, and he had insurance, car payments, mortgage, and all other expenses to pay. Jeremy put his head in his hands and felt the wave of relief run over his body again. He had a job, he had a good job that would cover all his expenses and all the pain supplies was included. He heard the floor creak as Emily walked down the hallway and into the kitchen.

"I made breakfast." He smiled weakly over at the blackened toast and eggs that looked inedible. Emily followed his gaze and burst out laughing.

"Ah, Jeremy," she walked up to him and ran a hand through his hair, "I will have to teach you how to cook." She smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Yes you will. I honestly don’t know how I managed to live this long on my own." He smiled back and winked.

"I don’t know either. Hey, didn’t you say something about having a delivery boy once?" Emily asked, reaching into the fridge for some orange juice.

Jeremy blushed slightly, "Yes, and I still do. I don’t like grocery shopping and Luka knows what I need so he does it for me."

"Luka?"

"Yes, Luka. He’s this kid that’s in school, something like medical, or criminal investigation or something like that, anyway, Gary knows this guy who owns a delivery service and Luka was one of the delivery boys. So I called up, asked for someone to get me groceries, and that is what Luka does." Jeremy looked down, feeling slightly defensive. He still really hated leaving his house but in the last week, he had left twice, which was an improvement. However, he still wasn’t up for tackling grocery shopping on a Sunday at Wal-Mart.

"A delivery boy..." Emily said smiling as she sat down, "named Luka?"

"Hahaha, shut up." Jeremy glared at her, trying to hide the smile and the small bit of actual annoyance. "It’s not just the fact I hate grocery shopping, it’s just..." He looked out the window in disgust, as if even the very sight of the outside world would kill him, "it’s so... dangerous. Honestly, it’s seriously so dangerous." He finally confessed. The outside world was filled with so many dangers and frankly, it just didn’t seem worth it.

"Dangerous?" Emily sat down at the table and looked at him over her coffee cup as she slowly sipped the steamy beverage.

"Yes, dangerous." Jeremy said and looked down at his bills, "so, how are the sales coming?" He asked, attempting to change the subject.

"Great." Emily smiled, "really good actually. We’ve sold every painting so far, which, are only a few, but they went for a lot so we made a few good sales."

"Good." Jeremy smiled and looked down at his bills again. Maybe today they would go to a park, or, maybe to Sarah’s and Sarah could meet Emily and he could see Marc again. Maybe, or maybe he would escape to the basement and Emily would leave for work.

"Well, I gotta go hun. Sorry, but if I don’t leave now, I’ll be late." Emily stood up and kissed his forehead, "I’ll call you later."

"K. Talk to you later." Jeremy forced a smile and kissed her goodbye. He wasn’t sure how to act around her. Should he be upset she’s leaving, or relieved, or indifferent? He sighed when she closed the front door and looked around. Maybe he’d paint over his walls today.

~ ~ ~

Scottsboro, Alabama 1982— July 10^th

One year and thirty two days had passed since Elizabeth had laid her eyes upon her daughter and it had been one year and thirty two days since John and her had been intimate, one year and thirty two days since she had felt herself smile.

Elizabeth let out a slow breath as she stared at the morning ceiling. The sunlight passed through the holes in the drapes, dancing on the walls. She looked to her right where normally John would be sleeping soundly, instead, it was empty and cold. Saturday morning, a day John never worked before, he was now working. In fact, for the past four months John had been working every weekend, both Saturday and Sunday. He no longer came home for lunch and supper time wasn’t filled with the usual ‘how was work’ conversation, instead it was more like they were living two separate lives under one roof. Elizabeth pulled the covers off and walked to the bathroom. After getting dressed and ready for the day, she went downstairs to start making a list of ‘to-do’s’ for the day.

It was all Elizabeth would think about, it was all she would feel. The silence inside of her, in her relationship with her husband, in her relationship with God, in her life, was beginning to consume her. She questioned her sanity nearly every day. She would often find herself hearing Rachael laughing in the other room and she’d run towards the sound to see her daughter, instead of finding her daughter, she found a room filled with memories she wanted to always remember, but were fading with each day. Elizabeth set the clothes in the laundry basket and walked up the stairs towards the bedroom. Each day was the same now. She would wake up alone, shower, get dressed in casual clothing with her hair tied back, drink a cup of coffee, wash the dishes, do laundry, clean the house, break for lunch, and continue on until John came home. Elizabeth couldn’t remember a time in her life before now when she would wake up feeling the way she did now. It felt as if something, someone, was sitting on her chest and each breath was a labored effort and moving through the day was just a motionless way of living. It felt like she had nothing left inside of her life, as if her heart had been replaced by a clock, ticking away each minute she had left to suffer. She would wake up wondering why she was still alive, why John and her were still married, why she couldn’t fix what she had broken, and why each day that passed she would feel more empty than the last. She closed her eyes tightly, took a deep breath, pushed the sorrow away and set the clothes in the drawers and left the room. Routine had become not only a way of living, but a survival kit. If left with even a minute of free time where she wouldn’t have to think about anything, she knew she might go mad. Elizabeth walked down the stairs, the floor boards creaking beneath her feet, the silence echoing through the lonely home.

All the things I should have Said

I can’t remember all the times I wanted to say I’m sorry,

I’ve had so many chances,

To tell you about all these doubts

I’ve wanted so much to just run to you

But a wall of pride holds me back

I’ve locked myself in a cage

Bound myself to a life I never wanted

I can’t remember all the times I should have said I’m sorry

I can’t remember all the times I made you cry,

All those nights I should have let go

To let all my walls fall to my feet

I’ve wanted to fall apart for so long

But this concert mask just won’t fall

I’ve clothed myself

Suffocated all that I am

I can’t remember all the times I should have cried

I don’t remember where I was suppose to be

I’ve wandered off so many times

Turned by back from my only peace

I’ve always wanted to hear your voice,

But I cover my ears in reluctance

I’ve fallen so many times

But I refuse to give up and let you win

I don’t remember where You wanted me to be

I don’t remember the last time I let myself feel

I’ve turned these emotions off too many times

Turned into the very person I never wanted to be

I’ve always wanted to reflect who you are

But I keep turning away

I’ve broken so many times

But I hide to never let you fix you me

I don’t remember the last time I could feel

Broken and crushed

I’ve got no where to go

I’m stranded in this forest

I’ve got nothing left to lose

I threw it all away

Chasing after the wind

All the things I should have said

All the apologies never meant

Break and destroy

All my walls of pride

I’m left standing bare

I’ve got nothing left

Throw it all away

Chase after you

All the words I could say

All the things You wash away

I’m falling at your feet

My walls are broken and lay behind me